Ocean of Reality

Closed for business.

2007-12-05T15:03:00.000-05:00

I'm afraid it's come down to this, but I'm moving on. If you'd like to follow me, please send an email to mseekfor at gmail dot com, and I'll send you the new address.

The future of things to come.

2007-11-30T07:01:00.000-05:00

I had an anxiety attack last night. It's been a while since I had one, actually about 6 months ago. I did a good job of controlling my stress and anxiety over the summer and through the beginning of the fall, but when that familiar tightness pulled at my chest last night, I couldn't stop it. I called the one person I know who understands what it's like, who has been able to calm me down in the past, hoping that he would be there for me again. And he was. Smitty talked me through it, helped to control my breathing, and within minutes I was in control of myself again.

We started to talk about what brought on this latest bought of anxiety, things of which I won't go into on here, and the things I can do to control it. He reminded me that my blog used to be my form of therapy, and that recently I've withdrawn from that. And he's absolutely right. Things have changed to where I'm afraid to put my raw emotions out in a place where anyone I know can at anytime "read my thoughts". My lack of anonymity has stopped me from fully expressing myself. And with that, I have lost one of the real beneficial outlets I had for support.

What does that mean for the future? I haven't completely decided yet. I may shut down things here, I may move on to another place and start new, I may stop blogging all together. I'm going to put a lot of thought into it this weekend. When I know, you'll know.

Quick and dirty.

2007-11-28T08:26:00.000-05:00

An update for all of my five readers, since it's been a while:

Things are crazy. Putting in overtime at work, jam-packed weekends, not enough hours in a day.
My holiday was nice, despite the small amount of family drama. I'm so not ready for Christmas yet.
I have about five different posts brewing in my head at any one given time. But when I find the time to type them out, I'm blocked. I would love to tell you about the hilarious conversation I had with my family this weekend, or why I can't seem to get any shopping done during the holidays due to anxiety, or my latest misadventures with the male species, but I just can't find the words.
Can anyone explain to me why my ex and his family still read my blog? Seriously people, get over it. I'm no longer part of your life, you are no longer part of mine. Move on. I have.
I know I said I was done dating, and I am. But well, I guess I'm technically dating again. Sorta. Maybe? Yeah, it's obviously complicated.
Work has blocked all "blogspot.com" websites. So, I'm catching up on you all via my reader, but I can't comment. Murr. I'm not a happy camper.

That's all from here. I'll be back with a proper post, hopefully sooner than later.

Giving thanks.

2007-11-19T14:08:00.000-05:00

A few things I'm thankful for this holiday season...

... my supportive family and friends.
... my independence.
... luck.
... my job, oddly enough.
... my cats.
... a fully stocked humidor.
... wine.
... divorce!
... lost friendships found again.

To you and yours, Happy Thanksgiving!

Its going to be ok, really.

2007-11-19T14:02:00.000-05:00

Somehow, someway, things find a way of working themselves out. The harder we push, the more difficult the situation becomes. Sometimes you gotta sit back, relax, and the good things will come to you eventually. The lost find their way back. Somehow. Someway.

Everything is going to be ok. I'm sure of it.

I'm here for you.

2007-11-15T08:18:00.000-05:00

Six months later. You've run away from me (more times than I can count), and I'm always in the same place I was when you left. The logical question would be, "Why do you keep running?". Instead, I say, "You need me. What can I do?".

Things haven't changed in the decade we've known each other. They never will.

I am Jack's smirking revenge.

2007-11-14T10:30:00.000-05:00

I just saw a guy at work that looked like he walked straight out of Fight Club. Disheveled, exhausted, big black shiner, and a cut across his cheek. So, it makes me wonder... when did Project Mayhem come to DC?

Randomness.

2007-11-13T10:50:00.000-05:00

Would you say I am more a "Mistress Destiny" or a "Mistress Serenity"? Discuss.

Just saying.

2007-11-07T08:33:00.000-05:00

I really need a good cry, for no particular reason at all.

As My World Turns.

2007-11-05T16:06:00.000-05:00

Wow. You guys really love secrets! For those of you who are clued in, thanks for letting me spill and for reassuring me that things are ok. Things have finally settled down a bit and I'm not as stressed about the situation as I once was.

And to quote my friend, upon hearing The Secret, "OMG!!! You have the most drama filled life of everyone I've ever known. Incredible!"

It's totally true. My life is a soap opera. But maybe things will calm down now that the Writers Guild is on strike :)

Secrets, secrets, are no fun.

2007-10-31T13:08:00.000-05:00

I've got a secret. A BIG secret.

You know, the kind that could possibly fuck-up a few people's lives type of secret.

And I can't talk to anyone about it. It's driving me crazy. I need to talk to someone about it.

I tried telling my therapist a few weeks ago, and then I got "the look". The one that says, "Melissa, what the hell are you doing with your life? Could you be anymore of a terrible person?". So I changed my story at the last minute as to avoid the wrath of the woman that I pay to tell my problems to.

I know, I can't believe I did it either. That's exactly what I pay her for! What the hell is wrong with me?

I seriously need help.

So, why don't we just pretend that I told you my nasty little secret. And you guys make me feel better about making a small indescresion and tell me it's going to be ok.

It is going to be ok, isn't it?

Remembering to forget.

2007-10-31T10:35:00.000-05:00

It wasn't until about nine o'clock last night that I remembered what day it was.

October 30th. My wedding was three years ago, yesterday.

I'm making some amazing progress.

Listen up.

2007-10-30T07:27:00.000-05:00

The amazing, talented, smoking-hot Poppy has moved here. Update your blogrolls and your feeds, people. You don't want to miss a minute of this fine lady :)

The joys of singlehood.

2007-10-23T16:49:00.000-05:00

In the relatively short time that I've been out on my own, I've become very independent and self-sufficient. I adore living on my own. My time is exactly that... mine. I don't have to share it with anyone. I live by my own desires, my own schedules. I don't have to answer to anyone. I'm very happy with where I am at in my life right now. And I don't want for that to change.

But sometimes? It really sucks not having someone to help with that hard-to-clasp jewelry in the mornings.

Life was getting too hard to keep up with.

2007-10-16T07:45:00.001-05:00

Things have gotten calm and slow here in Oceanland. I'm viewing it as a good thing. All that dating was wearing on me. When it got to the point where I wasn't enjoying myself any longer, I knew it was time for a break. I've got plenty of personal things I'd like to work on before I get back into that scene.

I gave my Mom the good news of my dating break this morning, and her response surprised and offended me. "Let's see how long that lasts". Thanks for the vote of confidence, Mom. It's no surprise to anyone that I like, no LOVE men. But really, I need to cut my losses here. Looking for Mr. Right has only gotten me plenty of Mr. Wrongs. I'm going to subscribe to the philosophy that he'll find me when I'm ready. It's taking some getting used to, but overall I know this is the right move for me.

So, right now I'm setting much of my time aside for my family, my friends, and myself. Which makes things seem somewhat boring on the surface, but I'm content on the inside.

I know that I have been somewhat removed from the blogging world recently. Between work blocking the "blogspot.com" addresses, computer issues at home, and the lack real interest in putting my raw emotions out there as I once did, I've withdrawn. I'm back in a place now where I'm starting to return. I've missed all my blog friends tons, and looking forward to "delurking" back at your places soon.

It is official.

2007-10-12T06:48:00.000-05:00

After two years, it's finally over.

As of today, I am a free woman. I can't even begin to explain to you how good it feels.

Who's ready to party?

"The happiest time of anyones life is just after the first divorce" -John Kenneth Galbraith

Clearing up some things.

2007-10-10T07:13:00.000-05:00

I've gotten a few emails from various people expressing their condolences for another relationship biting the dust.

Let me just say... It wasn't a relationship. I had been dating someone for about a week and quickly learned he was a dick. No big deal.

My heart's not broken, I'm not a bit upset. I'm actually rather grateful that I found this out sooner than later.

And with that said, I'm officially taking a break from dating. My divorce will be final in 2 days, and right now I just want to enjoy being single.

Dear Mel's Heart,

2007-10-08T21:46:00.000-05:00

You've lead Mel wrong too many times. She's followed you blindly, and in return you get the flutters over someone that doesn't deserve a minute of her time. You pitter-patter, she swoons, and next thing you know, the dude turns out to be a creep. I've seen it happen one too many times. I'm not letting it happen anymore. From now on, she listens to me.

Cordially,
Mel's Gut.

This is what relaxation looks like.

2007-10-05T13:48:00.001-05:00

Photos from my vacation are up here.

Happy.

2007-10-03T21:17:00.000-05:00

I got flowers today.
From a boy.

I'm feeling pretty fucking special right now.

Bullets.

2007-09-28T06:39:00.001-05:00

It's about time for an update, don't you agree?

Vacation was heavenly. I'm rested, relaxed, and healed. Just for that alone, it wasn't so bad coming back to the "real world" this week. I'll have pictures up soon.
I finally got around to getting some much needed reading done. Which included the final Harry Potter novel and some very dirty romance novels. Gotta love "beach reading".
I've been given a new responsibility at work that I'm actually looking forward to. I think the vacation has helped to change my outlook on the stressful situations in my life.
I had a root canal on Monday. Aside from the fact that they started to drill not once, but twice before I was finally numb, it wasn't that bad. Mel with four shots of Novocaine has a funny smile.
Val, my youngest cat, snuck out of the house late Tuesday night and I didn't realize it until early Wednesday morning. I searched the neighborhood for her at 5 in the morning. An hour later I found her terrified, hiding under a parked car. I'm the worst cat mom ever.
The dating life is finally going well. I've got something blooming on the horizon. And that's all the juicy details you get for the moment.
Did I mention that my divorce will be final in 2 WEEKS? Get ready to party, people.

Greetings from Lake Anna!

2007-09-19T17:06:00.000-05:00

I'm here, enjoying life. Court is over, and I'm happy to report that my divorce will be final on October 12th. Now, time to relax!

By the numbers.

2007-09-12T20:08:00.000-05:00

2: days left until vacation.
6: full days of lake relaxing in my future.
10: days on a wonderful steroid/antibiotic cocktail, because apparently I didn't kick those nasty cold germs last time.
5: times this guy said "You were right." on my voicemail this evening, because afterall, I was right about him being a dick.
4: wisdom teeth that I need to have pulled this month.
7: days until September 19th.

1,385: times I reminded myself that I'm a lucky girl. And smiled.

It could be worse.

2007-09-05T12:21:00.000-05:00

"How'd the date go last night?"
"Good."
"Don't sound so thrilled."
"Eh. I'm juggling too many guys right now. Can't decide who to get excited about."

In the grand scheme, there are much worse things to have problems with. But really? I'm a one-guy kind of girl. This dating thing is getting old really fast.

Two letters, so hard to say.

2007-08-30T18:59:00.000-05:00

I'm currently "seeing" this one guy (I don't dare call it dating, it would imply some kind of commitment on his part), and I know he's wrong for me. I know he's using me. I know all he wants is for me to provide him with some physical attention. I know that he's looking for a fwb situation.

I know that if I continue down this path, I'm going to end up hurt. Or worse, with a broken heart. I KNOW I deserve better.

But for some strange reason, I'm finding it hard to stop it before it starts. To cut it off. To say "no".

I started reading this. Hopefully it will help me find some strength.

Any words of encouragement?